Bernard's Pick (More)
Over these past few months, people have wondered just why I have been so silent. Was I suffering from a rare fatal disease? Had I run away from home and was I now a simple shepherd living in Uganda? Or, perhaps, had I been driven so completely insane by the fact that I have never had a close shave that in frustration I had taken a drastic measure and was now living without cheeks?
Well, that’s some imagination some of you have. But no, the answer is completely different: I had turned into something of a successful social activist. And since success is nowadays measured in the willingness of the media to take interest in you, well, I have that too!
The following is a recent article published in the monthly magazine, The Alarmist. They get their name from their distaste for Al Gore and his constant alarmism, and they seem to be one of those satirical magazines. But anyway, they got my name right!
Here it is:
Things People Do To Get Laid
The male youth of today have it especially tough when it comes to the female youth of today. The latter have seemingly come to realise that the former are largely a bunch of twits who will do just about anything to get laid. But that hasn’t stopped the male youth from trying harder and harder as they grow older and more frustrated.
First there were the few who took an idea thought up by someone who was undoubtedly luckier with the females, and then milked it for all it was worth. Yes, the Earth Hour, where an entire city is expected to turn off all their electric lights when they most needed it and play games of who-passed-that-smelly-gas in the dark for an hour. Obviously, barely anyone took part, but it didn’t stop the media from putting their teenage pimple-ridden faces on your TV screens, which if you happened to be watching on mute, you would have sworn they were saying, “Please, I haven’t had any in years! Give me a chance!”
It is possible that the fiasco did in fact help them in their objective, as there couldn’t have been any other reason for another bunch of male youth getting together in another city and doing the same thing all over again, while people rented ultra-powerful spotlights to beam into the sky and blasted heavy metal music for the entire hour.
And then we have the present, where a sizeable gathering of like minded male youth are doing their best to start some sort of movement for, as they see it, the betterment of society. Their target? Those extra long spoons that have acquired the name “Amitabh Bachchan spoons.” As seen in the accompanying figure, the spoons have acquired the name due to the ratio of its length to that of a normal spoon equalling the ratio of Amitabh Bachchan’s height to that of a Normal Man.
Their aim is to collect as many such long spoons as possible and dramatically cut each of them down to a more normal size. In the words of their leader, Rolando Alvares, “We want to show that we shall no longer tolerate these long-tall type people; Amitabh Bachchan in particular. For too long have they drawn attention away from us normal sized people. I mean, you see a tall freak and an averaged heighted person side by side, you automatically are drawn to the tall freak. In this way they have been dominating all possible competitions, events, the arts, etc. Again, nothing illustrates this fact more than Amitabh Bachchan himself: my research indicates that he has probably been in every movie and every advertisement made in the past five years. And most importantly, they get all the good ladies, too, even the normal heighted ones who, frankly speaking, should be ours by birthright. So what we want to say is: Go back, Amitabh Bachchan. Go back to…Tall-Man Country or something! Then hopefully other long-talls will get the idea and go with him.”
On being questioned on nature of the movement, he said, “People need an object to be the symbol of what they stand for. Like with Gandhi and the salt. A common, identifiable object is necessary, and what better than the Amitabh Bachchan spoon, which everyone possesses for the purpose of getting to the bottoms of pickle jars, the frog eggs and noodley stuff at the bottom of falooda glasses and such?”
Further, he had this to say on the momentum that his movement has gathered: “It is to be expected. There has always been discontent about these long-talls, and for the first time, this anguish has found an outlet.”
And does he have any regrets on the movement so far? “Absolutely not. Well, just a small little regret: I was expecting more females to join us in this bold movement, and the fact that there is not one female among us is of mild concern. Perhaps it is due to the spoon being called an Amitabh Bachchan spoon; had it been called a Sushmita Sen spoon, I would have had females all over me. Obviously, the same principle applies to the female situation too, and our movement wholly recognizes that. So hopefully they will join us soon.”