The Battery That Charged Too Late
I'm Bernard the Buffalo, and this is my home.
Part 1:
A string of interesting events have occurred over the past months or so, which, in their own little way, have a small connection to this site. The reason is that they were all brought about either directly or indirectly by my brother Lucano, who as we all know, is (was) the author of the [...]
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Let me start out by saying that I realize that I am rather late (by 8 days, to be precise) in reporting what I am about to report. The reason is that the flu somehow managed to make its way into my system, forcing me to lay in bed for long, long hours at a[...]
I’ve been thinking lately. And when I say ‘thinking’, I must stress upon it, as in thinking in a rather intense, almost suicidal manner, you know, the kind of self-obsessed fluff that leaves you staring at the ceiling late into the night. A certain incident relating to a member of the female inclination from last[...]
A lot of hype has been created about the Olympic movement and its lofty ideals. To me it’s a lot of hogwash. The olympics is nothing but a big business opportunity for the multinationals who sponsor the telecast and other rights. The host country can never make a profit under the guise of nationalistic[...]
Don’t you just hate it when you suddenly think of the perfect line to say at some situation, only to realize that that particular ’situation’ actually took place years ago? I mean, it’s like the perfect example of a wasted opportunity, where you have this funny line in your mind but don’t know what to do with it. And then, it slowly slips away like a fat man struggling in a pit of quicksand, with no one save for you benefiting from that perfect line. Gone completely to waste, just like that.
If you’re scratching yourself raw wondering what on earth I’m on about, I won’t blame you. Even I barely know where this is going. So, as much for your benefit as for mine, here’s an example.
Several years ago, some relations of ours got a dog. A pet dog. As it is with all pets, this dog needed a name. It so happened that at around the same time that this dog entered their lives, a so-called ‘beauty queen’ from India had miraculously managed to win one of those banal stupid beauty contests out there, which of course wasn’t just about beauty, but beauty with a purpose! Nothing like beauty paired with a purposeful purpose, is there? So like I said, these two events, the getting of the dog and the winning of the beauty contest occurred in very close proximity with each other, so close that it was almost eerie. Thus solving the problem of finding a name for the dog. She (the dog) was therefore given the same name as that beauty queen.
I happened to be one of the many guests at their house sometime after the events of the past paragraph occurred, and so the guests were being explained the reason for the name, the same reason that many mothers of that time would give to people who asked what her newly-begotten baby daughter’s name was and why.
It was only recently that this event of the past came back to me with surprising clarity, as I was watching this same beauty queen on TV. I didn’t do it intentionally, I swear, I just switched on the TV and there she was. And then, it hit me smack in the face; what should have been said after we were explained the reason for the dog’s name, the sure-fire laughter-awakener: “So, you named one bitch after another, eh?”
So there I was, watching the telly, with this one line stuck in my head, cracking me up. My parents looked at me wondering if I had finally lost it. But, that’s the saddest part of it all; I couldn’t share the joke, simply because it would make no sense at the point. Also, to explain the whole damn thing and end with the newly thought-of punch-line would draw all the spontaneity, and with it the humour, out of it. All because the darn line came a little late. By five years.
Now why was it that this line came to me so woefully late? For one thing, I was by all accounts an innocent young lad then, with the beast of all things crude and vulgar sleeping soundly within me, not to be awakened for another couple of years, with the timely coming of the song Who the X is Alice? by those loveable fools, Gompie. For me to have said something like that, let alone think a thought like that at that age would have been Unthinkable. And also, it would have just been morally iffy to pass judgement on the beauty queen at that point. The rule of exception had to be respected; it was just possible that this particular beauty queen would turn out to be, in harsh opposition to everyone’s expectations, the most pristine case of what the antonym of a female dog should be. Fortunately though, just by watching her on TV for as little as five whole seconds, all doubt was not only put to rest, but also endlessly ridiculed by means of tarring and feathering.
So that’s what I was trying to say! Well, that brings us to the end of this little missive, I’m afraid. I do hope this journey’s been as revealing to you as it was to me. (Giggle, giggle.)
THE END. I hope you enjoyed that. If you'd like to read more, there's plenty available in the archives