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  • More Textbook Humour

    You know, as much as I hate studying (and ‘hate’ is an understatement of gargantuan proportions), I do try to get down to it and get it done the best way that I can at the last possible minute. Honestly, I do try to make the sincerest efforts imaginable to mug up just enough that [...]

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  • Interview With A Textbook Writer

    I have already written about this new magazine called The Alarmist, which was the only magazine to do an article on me and my social activism. Well, in the most recent issue was a highly informative interview with a textbook writer - and as Textbooks and their writers is such an engaging topic, that I [...]

• Stories similar to this one:
  • Interview With A Textbook Writer by Rolando Alvares, July 29, 2008 in Textbooks

  • I have already written about this new magazine called The Alarmist, which was the only magazine to do an article on me and my social activism. Well, in the most recent issue was a highly informative interview with a textbook writer - and as Textbooks and their writers is such an engaging topic, that I[...]

  • More Textbook Humour by Rolando Alvares, May 23, 2006 in Textbooks

  • You know, as much as I hate studying (and ‘hate’ is an understatement of gargantuan proportions), I do try to get down to it and get it done the best way that I can at the last possible minute. Honestly, I do try to make the sincerest efforts imaginable to mug up just enough that[...]

  • Hasta Luego by Lucano Alvares, November 14, 2004 in Mexican Shenanigans

  • Wednesday night, I arrived for the fiesta at 6:30. The weekly reading circle of the group on how to implement Illich’s ideas of convivial living was going on. I thought that it wouldn’t be taking place that day because of the fiesta. I met Nicole, who was waiting for Gustavo, so they could go for[...]

(I have grown. And I have changed. Whereas previously I might have engaged in an angry tirade about textbooks, now I instead try to do something about it. So when I came across a slight glitch in a textbook I was studying from, I sat down, thought about it, and wrote a letter about it to the Textbook Writer:)

Dear Textbook Writer,

I have thoroughly enjoyed this year’s textbooks. They have brought me much joy over the three months that I have studied them. They are for the most part imaginatively written, and strikingly illustrated. In particular, I was touched by the eloquent appeal contained in one of the textbooks to put an end to the Cold War. The description of the horrors it has caused and the dangers that it can very well result in was chilling, to say the least. It is frightening that even now, after all these years, even after entering the new millennium, this Cold War still continues. It seems to have become so commonplace that one hardly ever reads about it in the newspapers anymore. The same goes for apartheid in South Africa and the wall that separates Germany. And poor Nelson Mandela! My heart goes out to him and I pray that he will be released from prison soon. Perhaps someday, thanks to being educated by these textbooks, someone might do something about it.

But apart from this, there was just one minor flaw that I came across: it seems that the texts for some of the illustrations are missing. An illustration, by definition, must illustrate something, and when the object of illustration is absent, it ceases to illustrate. But often these illustrations just show up out of the blue, with nothing to justify their existence. Rather than just disposing of such well thought out and expertly detailed illustrations, I firmly believe that they should be kept, and accompanying texts added to them which they can illustrate.

I realise that you must be terribly busy, writing all those textbooks out there, therefore I have taken it upon myself to type out some texts which the above mentioned illustration will illustrate superbly. I have also tried to keep the tone, language and other such things in agreement with the rest of the text, so they will fit right in.

Following are the illustrations that I write about, and my texts for them:

***

Explanation For Weather Changes

Weather change is something that has flummoxed mankind for centuries. Several theories has been postulated over the years, most particularly the past two decades. The best theory that we have at present is the Magical Snouted Neuter Creature (MSNC). The MSNC functions like this: whenever an area is in need of a good watery downfall, the MSNC is summoned by an elaborate ritual, in which the elder most people of an area take part. Together they sit and eat large amounts of mildly psychotropic herbs, calling out, “Oh heavenly sexless creature, please, we need new weather! Come here with thy wonderful snout, and bang thy wonderful drum, and make those puffy things in the sky gather round thy head!”

The process can take anywhere between 2 hours to 2 days, depending, among other things, on just how mild the psychotropic herbs are. Then, MSNC appears.

The elders have reported that the MSNC is a very happy creature, although it sometimes performs acts that might seem disgusting to feeble human minds. It even jokes good-heartedly about its disarming lack of any genitalia. As MSNC begins to work on gathering the clouds around its head, the banging of its drum is heard far and wide, inducing fear in the hearts of humans.

However, the elders have reported that MSNC has been missing for the past two years, leaving them bereft of any control over the weather which could potentially lead to unmitigated catastrophe. The general consensus among them is that it has been kidnapped by one Al Gore, who has used it exclusively for shameless self-promotion and to bring himself into the spotlight so that he can get a good, even tan.

The success of Prehistoric Man

Prehistoric Man had realised that if he were to have any chance of ever being described as something other than prehistoric, he would have to grab the attention of the Prehistoric woman, with whom it would be possible to create other Men and Women who were not as Prehistoric as he was. This proved to be a difficult task, as Prehistoric Woman found him disgusting and ugly (see fig. 1) and refused to go near him. This was perplexing, as Prehistoric Woman was no Monica Bellucci herself, and even constantly beat him with a beating stick:

But, he persevered. After trying all sorts of things, like bending over backwards, walking on his hands, gifting her big juicy mangoes, he found that that simply straightening his pose worked somewhat (see fig. 2). This ushered in the phase of slightly less prehistoric man. After a while, woman started to drift away, looking for something better, and particularly, less hairy. This led slightly less prehistoric man to take the drastic step of removing all the hair on his body but leaving the top of his head, bits of his face, chest, armpits and groin area as hairy as possible, for reasons not yet understood. Then he came up with something called ‘clothes’, also not understood, and stood with an arrogant smile on his face (see fig. 3). Woman, amazingly, went crazy for this, thus ensuring the continuation of homo sapiens for ages to come.

***

So there it is. I do hope that you find it useful and that it can pass whatever quality standards you might have set for your textbooks.

Yours Faithfully,

Avid Textbook Reader.

(And in deafening confirmation that my efforts at initiating change for the better as opposed to sitting in my comfy chair in my underwear, smoking a pipe and complaining were truly the right thing to do, I received this heart-warming reply from Textbook Writer him/herself:)

Dear Avid Textbook Reader,

It is with great gratitude that I write this letter to you. I too had noticed that some of our illustrations lacked any object to illustrate; in fact, I had almost removed these illustrations for a brief revision of said textbooks. But, simply due to your uncommon interest in maintaining the high quality of our books, these illustrations will be included, and yes, with your acutely observed texts.

In this age when people in the cyber world revel in poking fun and making ill-conceived jokes about our books, knowing that there are individuals like yourself is truly heartening and makes it a privilege for us to do our duties.

And yes, we are indeed quite optimistic that we shall see the end of the great evils of the world prevailing today that you mentioned, namely, the Cold War and Apartheid - if not in our lifetimes, then surely in yours. And don’t tell anyone this, but a group of our highly dedicated team of Textbook Writers is planning a deadly prison break-out mission for Mr. Mandela - keep your eyes peeled!

Respectfully,

Textbook Writer.

THE END. I hope you enjoyed that. If you'd like to read more, there's plenty available in the archives