An Interview Between Man And Buffalo
I'm Bernard the Buffalo, and this is my home.
To provide you some information about this website, I thought it would be wise to conduct a short interview with the previous website maintainer, Rolando Alvares, who is also the main author on Rollaword.
So we got together to chew the cud - in my case, quite literally - and we discussed the history of Rollaword, his reasons for stepping down as site maintainer and also his ongoing feud with Amitabh Bachchan.
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Getting into this interview, I was rather worried that my lack of interviewing experience would pose a problem. Then I realised that Rolando, so used to the sub-standard level of journalism that he has been exposed to for so long, wouldn’t even notice. I was right - he in fact embraced my rudeness and interruptions wholeheartedly, which put me completely at ease and allowed us to have a very pleasant conversation.
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Let me begin by thanking you for taking the time for this interview.
No problem. The pleasure is all yours. All yours? Or is it all mine? I never was able to figure out that expression.
Don’t worry about that; the pleasure I’m sure is in fact all yours. But before we begin, could you please excuse me for a minute while I bring up the partly digested food from my first stomach so I can chew on it aimlessly for the duration of this interview?
Go ahead.
Ah, that feels good. What can you tell us about the history of this site?
It all started with my brother Lucano gifting me a domain name and then leaving for a foreign country the very next day. It was all very puzzling, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do. After all, I don’t have any immediately noticeable talents - indeed, it took me three months to see that once, I had a talent.
You see, as a young boy, I would write e-mails to family and relatives, most of these detailing my experiences at school in a kind-of humourous way. Soon, e-mails sent to one person were being read by two, and sometimes even three people. And that was the story of how I specialized in writing humourous things for very small audiences, and I’m proud to say that I have managed to successfully bring both, the unique humour as well as its inherent appeal to very small audiences to the global stage by means of this website, a fact that is illustrated by the very low number of visitors to this site.
Would you mind terribly if I were to feign excitement at this point of the proceedings, or is it too early?
No, knock yourself out.
Wow! How exciting and interesting at the same time! So that’s about you. What about the other writers featured here?
There’s Benjamin Alvares, who is my father and Lucano Alvares, who is my long-haired brother.
Benjamin was the first person I asked for contributions, and he has been contributing ever since. He writes serious articles which I call ruminations. Each Rumination discusses a new subject that interests him on which he gives his views and opinions.
Lucano, apart from a travel-log sort of thing about his stay in Mexico, hasn’t written much since.
Also there have been sporadic guest authors. Well, to be precise, there have been just two.
So what has made you step down as maintainer of this website after four years?
I’m involved in several other projects that are just taking up too much of my time to say fully focused on Rollaword right now. One is my career as a social activist. The world today is a very odd place. I’ve found that you can get a whole bunch of supporters for just about anything, and these supporters will very often adopt an idea that isn’t theirs so completely that before you know it, they’re forcing other people to conform to that idea. It’s all very wonderful. So far I’ve led a successful campaign against tall people, targeting in particular Amitabh Bachchan who to me is like their representative. My supporters even went to the extent to beating up random tall people on the streets, including taxi drivers and vegetable sellers. Now I won’t say that I support the (mild) violence, but as long as these tall people take our jobs and steal our women and word hard for the money they earn, they’re asking for trouble. Indeed, I have detailed my social-activist experience in an article on this website called Social Activism.
Apart from that, I’m working on a construction idea for a large toilet complex, based on an idea by my brother Lucano - the very same one whose writings are featured here. It’ll be a very special collection of urinals: see, there’s be like a glass divider with urinals on either side of the divider so that the urinators will be facing the divider. But the unique thing will be that the top half of the divider will be mirror - so the urinator can see himself there. But the bottom half will be sheer, see-through glass, so the urinator, when he looks down expecting to see his urinating apparatus, will instead be highly disconcerted to see something that doesn’t belong to him at all! So it will be a fun place where people will come for giggles and leave with a new best friend.
Fascinating. So since you’re stepping down as maintainer, will you continue to treat us to your wonderful stories?
Of course, my bovine friend. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to do so, but do so I will.
Now I shall ask you a question about the first answer you provided in this interview. Is it really the case that you don’t possess any talents besides writing unique humour aimed at extremely small audiences?
Well, not exactly. I excel at grating coconuts using those old-style machines which you have to sit on Indian-potty style. Also, I must say I have been getting quite amazing at the difficult task of cleaning a pineapple and slicing it. But these surely aren’t the sort of talents you can feature on a website.
I also have done small web-designing jobs: 4 designs so far - that’s three for this site, and one for a company called Benson Marine Services.
Apart from that, I play the guitar on what has so far been a completely non-professional level. Still, I must add that I do garner praise from old uncles and such. I have also taken out the trouble to write tabs for a few songs which are feature on this website, currently residing in the archives.
Well I’ve just about run out of time and patience. Thanks for the interview, and good luck with your future endeavours.
You too, Bernard. You too. And goodbye Rollaword. It was fun.